Recently I got involved in abounding controversies which left me shocked, depressed, angry, violated and sad. I still can’t get over the fact that people find it hard to believe that I am an independent person with an independent mind. I am allowed to and can hold different views from those of my friends and husband. Of course, these are the people who are very close to me and sometimes I might be sympathetic but not always in agreement or support.
Seething with anger, I decided to seek refuge in a sympathetic ear and a pair of comforting hands. I slowly narrated my ordeal and expressed how I felt violated, frustrated and wronged. My revered confidant and trusted advisor stood with her back straight, head tilted backwards and swayed sideways like a peacock. She moved closer and fixed her eyes to my fidgeting leg (a habit I acquired synonymous to anger or anxiety). To my amusement, she suddenly broke into a violent loud laughter. She made snorting sounds trying to stifle the chuckles.
I had wasted a good 30 minutes unburdening myself to a lunatic, I thought.
“I have known you for 16 years, three months and haven’t you learnt anything in this world and life Memory Pamella Kadau?” she asked dramatically banging her hand on the table.
Well, I was too angry and confused to respond to her cold psychopathic behavior.
She paused another absurd question “So what have you learnt from this experience? For all we know you don’t own the world neither does anyone we know!”
I was angry, in pain and didn’t want to understand anyone. I wanted to be understood, I wanted to share my pain, and I wanted to be listened to! I had taken a lot of bullets and bottled enough emotions. The incident was the breaking point. I remember revealing to my dear friends how I sometimes find myself gasping for air, fighting the urge to run or scream. How I sometimes feel crippled and can’t do anything about my drive, my sole purpose slipping slowly from my firm grasp. It is as if my internal campus has malfunctioned and my spirit has given up. We talked about the possibilities of depression and seeking professional help.
My inner African conscience rebelled! The thought of spilling my guts to a total stranger was absurd. I ended up doing it and also talking to a few friends just to escape the scary and crippling experience. Honestly it didn’t seem to help much. Nobody seemed to understand!
Even though I didn’t know where to start I decided to seek for a solution and spiritual revival from God. As always HE is faithful…..I suddenly remembered the wisdom of my literature teacher, God Bless his soul, that in each experience there is a lesson. He always bellowed the remarks of Ralph Waldo Emerson in class that “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”
Among so many things my friends are always right about is that I don’t own the world neither do they! Without these life experiences how I am I going to understand life itself? One might call it delusional faith, an escape, a human’s ability to distract him/herself from the naked truth in front of them. My recent experience has expanded my understanding of the unjust and evil around us. It explained the manipulation human beings are willing to do for survival. It explained the ability of a human being to mutate into what they always despise or fight against. My experience has helped me to find purpose, to make what is wrong right, fight against evil! I have come to cherish my dear friends and family. These men and women are my world. Without hesitation they always help me find my way back.
I am privileged and I have learnt……:
- 1. Believe in God only always
- 2. Never fight other people’s battles
- 3. Never hold grudges for too long
- 4. Make an effort to understand those that you are not always in agreement with
- 5. Forgive always no matter what
- 6. Never act under emotion
- 7. Speak the truth
- 8. Ask for forgiveness and always forgive
- 9. Cry if you feel like it
- 10. Find common ground
- 11. If you can’t do something about it ……Get over it
- 12. Failure to be understood is sometimes because of ignorance
- 13. The Lord didn’t take me this far to forsake me!
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
― C.G. Jung