Memory Pamella Kadau and Maria Mache Malomalo
My son I must admit, I am not a perfect parent!
Often, I question whether I have done a good job of raising you, equipping you with wisdom and skills to navigate this world. I write this letter with anxiety, because as your mother, I know the world is sometimes cruel. I also write full of hope and trust that you have a purpose, to thrive and change this world for the better.
My son, even before I was conceived, I was expected to know my place in society. Growing up, I was incessantly told my role and purpose to the schemes of men. My role was to be whoever society dictated and accepted. I was not to challenge the status quo. ´Don’t stir up trouble,´ I was often told.
Son, you need to understand that I was born and raised in a world of inequality, concerned only about my body and sexuality. You see; women and girls, your mum included, spend their lifetime being told how to behave and conform to society’s standards. We are told what to wear, how to talk, where to go, what time to move around among other confinements. Most of the times, we are told that these ´rules´ are in place to protect us. Truthfully, we spend our entire lives complying to these dictates yet we get harassed, raped, beaten but still are told we are not good enough. We are saddled with blame for rape and abuse. I am among a third of women and girls who have experienced Gender Based Violence in their lives. Why am I telling you this? I want you to understand the reality that you are part of.
From a very young age, I always knew that there was something wrong with a society that values one human being over another. A society which judges one according to their gender not content of character. I refused to be part of this society. I was everything from being head strong, determined, naïve, rebellious and curious. From this experience, it is my responsibility as your mother to guide you. Son; there is no justification for abuse. Regardless of the circumstance or situation our responsibility is to be part of the solution to the problems we face.
Just yesterday, I remember wishing you had a mute button because you could not keep quiet. You were curious, you would want to know everything, where we were going, why we were going there and how long it was going to take us to get there. May you never lose that curiosity. I implore you, question everything in life.
On Justice
You are living in an era where opportunities are gendered, enjoyed according to the socially ascribed roles. On the other hand, someone else is forced to work three times harder to prove themselves because of their gender. In some spaces, your brown skin is cherished whilst in others it is feared. Let this prejudice and injustice drive you. Let your voice speak loudly of justice and equality. It may sound like a futile task. You will ask, how do you confront and stop this injustice? You begin by understanding that if an injustice happens to any one of us, it has happened to all of us. You begin, of course, by not accepting and pushing back. Put your words into action and principles into practice. Remember every action, no matter how small it seems, counts.
The personal is very political. Never let anyone discourage you from engaging in politics. Everything we do or interact with is a sum total of the governance and democracy of the spaces we engage in; be it society or country. Challenge and speak truth to power on all issues concerning equality and justice.
On respect
You must always treat fellow human beings with respect. You were born of love and must know that showing love is a sign of strength. Call out misogyny and rape culture. Challenge systems and structures that condone oppression especially patriarchy. Buying a girl something is not sexual consent and justification to rape her. Rape has become an epidemic and carry lasting medical and psychological trauma. Shaming a woman and supporting rape should never be an acceptable way to vent frustration or create humour. You can stop rape. We can stop rape!
Son; never use the word woman as an insult. You must remember you were raised by a strong woman who is a product of strong women. Strong women still wake up every day to fight for equality. Every woman you will meet in life is my reflection, your mother in one way or the other. I speak courage in your life, to face this injustice, disrespect and bigotry with eloquence, tenacity, and uncompromising conviction.
On identity and sexuality
You are a boy and will be a man in a society that has expectations from you. There will be contestation on definitions of gender. Do you remember that day when you refused to wash the dishes because your friends and some relatives laughed at you and called you names? Remember how you were emotional, crying and questioning why men were so cruel. My heart aches when I remember that day because I awoke to the sad reality that societal norms and expectations not only affect girls and women but also scar boys and men.
Son, be authentic in life and seek the truth. Don’t ever fear being a misfit and get pressured to conform. Don’t worry you will find your tribe or they will find you. Even if you don’t, I want you to know, you are enough. Honour those that let you be your authentic self. You are enough!
I hope your preference for a life partner will not be based on society´s expectations. I hope you choose a partnership based on love and equality. Treat everyone as equals. Accept their choices in life and fight for their right to be their true selves. Your body is your own. No one has a right to make you do what you do not want.
You will remember when you told me that your teacher said ballet was for girls, I was mortified. I hope you remember the discussion that ensued on doing what you want and following your passion. Son, remember my words, ‘what a boy can do a girl can do and vice versa’. I hope you will understand that it is your right to challenge stereotypes and disrupt them.
You will make mistakes and I encourage not to worry of them as you navigate through this world. I hope you will wander, travel the world to seek the truth and learn. Be kind to yourself and celebrate every achievement. Always stock up on love and compassion. Be sensitive of others.
Remember always that I love you.
Your mom
First published in The Daily News on 16 August 2020
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